April 4, 2012
(last updated November 23, 2016) 
Green Recovery: “Veganism is a Life Saving Journey, Not a Destination to Perfect Oneself.” Jennifer’s Story.
So much enthusiasm for a sweet bean dip! Excellent: we’re onto something. Expect more recipes like it very soon.
Today, I’ve got a new Green Recovery post from you. This one is from my friend Jennifer Molica, who is the sassy, straight-talking, and wry voice behind the blog That PITA Vegan. Know what that stands for? “That Pain in the A__ Vegan.” In spite of what the title of her blog suggests, there is nothing painful about Jennifer or her message, which is deep, humane, and empowering.
This is not Jennifer’s first ED related post. In the fall, she wrote a searing post for Stop Chasing Skinny about her intense struggle with bulimia, and how she managed to pull herself out of the fray. That post was not only a strong piece of personal memoir, but also a very useful, prescriptive guide for seeking out therapy and help. This post, you’ll see, is less practical, and more meditative. It does precisely what I want Green Recovery posts to do, which is to make connections between ED recovery and the meaning of a vegan lifestyle. What is it specifically about veganism that makes it so powerfully healing for so many people with ED stories? How does it help us to escape the isolation, the obsession, the dark moods?
As I think you’ll see, Jennifer does a wonderful job of addressing that very question—all with her characteristic blend of tough-mindedness and empathy. Please welcome her to CR with me!
I have been racking my brain with ideas as to how I should approach this article. In the essay “If You Want To Quit Barfing” submitted to Stop Chasing Skinny, I was pretty clear: stop puking if you want to live, and you’ll die if you don’t. I shared my story of how I saved my life by asking for help. There were many contributing factors to my success, and one of them was going vegan.
Some one asked me “How did going vegan save your life?” There are multiple answers to this question: I learned about the process of food to my plate, taught myself to cook, and elevated myself spiritually by learning about the process of compassionate eating and living. It didn’t happen overnight. I was frustrated, felt inferior to other vegans, wanted to belong, and had a strong desire to do things perfectly. Flawlessness isn’t a realistic expectation and offers more difficulty to transitioning to this way of life.
When one is in the grasp of addiction, whether it be alcohol, drugs, food, gambling, and sex– that individual is only thinking about themselves and feeding their insatiable desire that can never be filled by any of those actions. In the clutches of bulimia, I was so far down the scale, I didn’t have the capacity for loving anything, not even myself. When I chose veganism, I made this decision to direct my thoughts and energies towards something much bigger than myself—The World!
The first time I went vegan in 1999, I did it for the wrong reason—a relationship. When we broke up, I broke up with veganism. There was a small militant contingent among the vegan community in Btown and I was made fun of, called a sell-out, and alienated for making a return to Omniland. This kind of treatment is a huge reason people are discouraged from trying to go vegan or staying vegan. The truth is, there are assholes everywhere, regardless of eating patterns. The vegan community is not immune to this, and I was using the behavior of as an excuse to not stay true nature as a whole. I was drifting back to the Island of Self.
Veganism is a life saving journey, not a destination to perfect oneself. By choosing to eat in a way where no animals or animal byproducts are consumed, I’m choosing to think about food, clothing, and personal care on a whole new level. I’m learning to think beyond myself and my insecurities and focus my energy elsewhere. Meat, milk, and eggs are not some magical products that come from a vending machine. These are products of suffering both animal and human. When I eat or wear the flesh of an animal, drink her milk, eat her eggs, or use her bones in my cooking I am supporting The Man in the biggest sense, and feeding the demon that keeps me sick. I am allowing a culture of consumption to dominate me, other animals, and to exploit other humans for sub-par wages, dangerous conditions, and dehuminizing behavior. I’m a zombie.
I found change was very real and I could be part of a global solution by making a few small changes that only seemed to be impossible.
Thanks so much, Jennifer.
The thing that stood out to me the most here is Jennifer’s emphasis on veganism’s power to draw an individual out of the isolation of an eating disorder. One of the more unfortunate consequences of these illnesses is that they do cause one to turn inward, and often to become very self-involved. During my ED, my entire day consisted of the worries about my body: was my stomach more “distended” than usual? Was it just me, or were my jeans a little tighter? Did other people notice? Was I bloated? If so, precisely what morsel of food was responsible? Had I eaten “perfectly”? Had I violated any precious “rules”? If so, what would I have to omit or limit in order to punish myself tomorrow? Why wasn’t I more hungry? I must have eaten too much, and I’d have to fix that.
When I recovered, I realized for the first time in a long time that I had effectively withdrawn from the world around me. In so doing, I had deprived myself of the pleasures and fun of life experience, but I had also deprived the world of my energy, my passion, and my empathy. I vowed thenceforth to direct a big portion of my energy and focus outward (I say “a big portion” because I’m an introspective and often solitary creature, and I thrive that way; nevertheless, there is a big difference between my quiet independence and the total withdrawal and loneliness into which I had plummeted). I vowed to direct some of the thought and effort I had put into monitoring my every bite, and use them instead to do good work, to help others, to savor life, and to experience love.
When I became vegan, it felt like a very natural extension of this vow. Except it went above and beyond my original intentions, because it compelled me to realize—for the first time, really—animal lives were as real and vivid as my own, and as worthy of my compassion and concern. Veganism is a constant reminder that my life is not the only life that matters; that my food choices are not mine alone, because they touch countless other lives; that my own best interest must be balanced with an awareness of the creatures with whom I share this planet. I take tremendous joy in being vegan—both the good health it affords, and the fantastic food it gives me—but my enjoyment of the lifestyle is paired with my conviction that veganism does not only benefit me. What a stark contrast from my eating disorder, which made me want to shut everything and everyone out, and be alone with my obsessions.
I’d love to hear how veganism and plant-based diet has helped some of you to escape the isolation of disordered eating. And more broadly, what else has helped you to escape it? Hobbies? Intellectual pursuits? Work? Love, sex? Friendship? A yoga practice? Do tell. I’m sure this whole community would love to hear.
xo
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Categories: Food and Healing
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Yet another inspiring Green Recovery post. While I have made the connection that veganism means considering things other than “self” when making food choices, I’ve never been able to put it so eloquently when it comes to EDs. The introspective aspect of an eating disorder is so insightful, and I love that veganism is a way for Jennifer to pull out of that deep hole. Since becoming vegan, not only have I realized that my food choices have a ripple effect, I’ve also begun talking passionately about why I live the way I do. I think it’s allowed some reflection on my disordered eating past, and has been a great way to begin healing.
Thanks everyone for the love! I’m so touched that y’all are inspired. Feel free to e-mail me with any questions and don’t stop believin’.
xo Jen
This was one the best articles I’ve read in a long time, thank you for posting this. I am 34 and suffer from bulimia since I am 15 and it’s been a struggle to keep it under control. I find the only way I am not obsessing about food is when I eat vegan and being concious about what I consume,.. all the points you made in the article I can relate to, thank you!
This post really explains to me best that veganism isn’t about the FOOD really, it’s a mindset about caring about others. It was emotional for me because when I was in a really tough time, I too decided to keep living for the animals and activism. This reminded me of that feeling I had. Thanks for sharing, Jennifer.
Yea!! Love this! And I love Jen!! She’s awesome, and her story (and your story) are so inspiring! I’ve never had an official ED, but I’ve always struggled with food guilt….never to the point of becoming anorexic or bulimic. But still, those “why do my jeans feel so tight?” thoughts still enter my brain everyday.
Thank you Gena and Jennifer for this post!
For me, breaking free from the isolation (mental and physical) of my eating disorder was absolutely the crucial step and one that I continue to work on. I found that isolation and the ED worked in this nasty cycle together and as I became more and more isolated I became more and more ill. When I was finally able to tell someone about what was going on inside of me, I felt like I was no longer a slave to my ED. It was nothing short of miraculous. I found that making more of an effort to run with others (instead of by myself) and eat meals with others was very beneficial, though difficult at first. Today, though my veganism sets me apart from the mainstream (as I’m sure many of you have experienced), it has also allowed me to belong to an intelligent, passionate and compassionate community, and that brings me further every day from the isolation of my ED.
Thanks for this post Jennifer and Gena! I definitely think that veganism helps me focus outward on to the world, rather than inwad onto myself, which really was a big part of pulling me out of my ED. I also found that once I was thinking about the effect I was having on the world (through veganism), I was thinking about ALL of the effects I and my actions have on the world, which has as a result, gotten me really involved with environmental activism, especially around climate change, fossil fuels, and factory farming. I don’t think that I could have become the environmentally engaged person I am today without veganism as a stepping stone out of my ED–and I love the work I’m doing and the person I’m becoming.
Thanks again for the really thought-provoking post Jennifer–it helped me to make connections between the things I do that I hadn’t thought much about.
I honestly credit so much to THIS website for helping me pull out of the fog that my ED had enveloped me in. I’m still struggling – and I know recovery is an on-going process – but reading Gena’s wise words every day is the best way I can start my morning off. I used to engage in unhealthy and self-destructive behaviours right from the moment I woke up; now I turn on my computer, get some inspiration for a new vegan recipe or a Green Recovery post like this one, and begin my day with more compassion for both myself and the world. Thank you so much for this website and for giving me a sense of community with both other vegans/vegetarians and people who have suffered or are suffering from EDs!
Thank you, Jennifer and Gena. You both are expressing something about EDs so perfectly here. My (latent, almost-but-not-quite-totally-gone) ED also involved an obsession with my body–exactly how Gena describes her own ED inner monologue. A compassionate diet offers a healthy distraction from that obsession.
One side not–even as I’m almost entirely vegan (I am vegan at home, but will indulge in non-vegan treats if I’m, say, at a party or something like that), I’m still uncomfortable with calling myself a vegan. In my mind, if I call myself a vegan, it’s like I am creating a “not allowed list”–exactly what I did when my ED was worst. Does that make sense? I need to always have the option to choose a big ol’ steak for dinner, even though I would never choose that. If I have any food rules at all, I will go crazy.
This is a great post. Thanks!
I love this post and I love Jennifer!
While I haven’t experience disordered eating, I have participated in the cultural phenomena of believing that thin = beautiful and subsequently yo-yo dieted for years. When I went vegan I fell in love with food – and respected how it nourished my body. That was when I decided to stop chasing skinny and to simply allow my body to be nourished, instead of deprived, and to see where my body might naturally settle. I discovered that all types of shapes = beautiful. Veganism liberated me.
“I’m an introspective and often solitary creature, and I thrive that way; nevertheless, there is a big difference between my quiet independence and the total withdrawal and loneliness into which I had plummeted”
This part really struck me, Gena, as this is where I am right now. I have gradually withdrawn from the world over the past few years, and this is something that I really need to address. I don’t suffer from an ED, but feel that veganism and yoga could really help me to escape this isolation.
Fantastic, thought-provoking post. Already, having read this and the comments that have followed, I don’t feel quite so alone.
Such a beautiful article! Thank you both!
Wonderful post, thanks! So true on the consuming isolation an ED can cause, I wasted so much time and energy worry about a lot of the same things during my ED days which left little resources for actual living.
When I opened my eyes and heart to notice the loving vegan communities at fairs and cafes and yoga studios I noticed the real reasons behind choosing veganism as Jennifer says. I saw the light on their faces, the welcoming and open spirits, even the fact that suddenly there were all these people who were so happy to give you the time to have a chat about your common passions! And this was all without a trace of competition or judgement on their behalf. As soon as I saw how I was placing myself in competition with myself and others around me by monitoring my food choices and actively tried to let that go I noticed how those strangers around me were actually full of smiles and not competing with me and my image at all!!!
And yoga practice is one of the things for sure that keep me living this day to day – as former ED sufferers we all know it is always there in the dark corners of your mind and yoga reminds me to make choices from a place of love and support for my body rather than physical appearances =)
Gena, I always get excited when I see a new GR article has been posted – YAY! and thankyou!
Thanks so much to both of you–powerful words, Jennifer! And I love how your note that going vegan for a relationship is the wrong reason doesn’t contradict the importance of community. I love what you implied and Gena clarified about ED depriving the world of what we have to offer, and the wonderful sense of liberation when we start to give of ourselves in the world again.
I’m in a space of such dissonance in this area right now. By some markers, I’m in a totally disordered space. But I feel like I’m still being functional and giving of myself. No wise words from me…
love
Ela
Thank you for this. Gena, your personal experiences are reflective of my own tendencies, especially your emphasis on conscious isolation. I, too, am an introverted person at heart, but my eating disorder only exacerbates my desire to be alone. If I can avoid friends, teachers, and acquaintances, I can evade what I presume to be a judgment of my physical appearance. Unfortunately, avoiding certain people sends a message that I am uninterested in their friendship and love, and I have lost many people that grow tired of my behavior. Sometimes I feel as though no one understands.
“I had deprived myself of the pleasures and fun of life experience, but I had also deprived the world of my energy, my passion, and my empathy.”
TOTALLY! The most crippling aspect of my disordered eating has been the guilt. In my on-going self-belittlement, I take on lots of guilt because I am aware of how self-centered my disorder was, how selfish it makes my thought and behavior, and how irrelevant it is to the big global picture. Guilt, being the stickiest emotion of them all, continues to feed the flame of my disorder. I operate from a much healthier place both physically and spiritually, but the guilt resides.
But I am learning to thank myself for each and every emotion I experience; feelings arise to tell us something, to make us more aware. I think guilt arises because I know I am capable of greater self-love and compassionate living. Veganism is a beautiful opportunity to exercise compassion with a global perspective. Anyone feel the same on that? Experience a lot of guilt? As always, thank you for sharing these powerful words; they resonate deeply and provide lots of insight and healing!
I completely agree that living compassionately as a vegan effectively directs the attention of someone in the dark clutches of an eating disorder outward, rather than focusing rather selfishly on exactly how many calories they consume. I, too, felt completely cut off from my friends, family, and basically the entire world–like I couldn’t connect with anyone–during my pattern of disordered eating. Becoming vegan offered (along with many other valuable aspects) a supportive community of like-minded people yearning to make a change in the world–to do something greater than themselves, which is exactly what I think I do by continuing this compassionate way of life.
Thanks for the lovely post. I always look forward to your Green Recovery series.
-Ali.
I forgot the community aspect! But thanks for mentioning it, and rightly so.
I have been following your Montreal eats and drooling all the way. xo
“Meat, milk, and eggs are not some magical products that come from a vending machine. These are products of suffering both animal and human. When I eat or wear the flesh of an animal, drink her milk, eat her eggs, or use her bones in my cooking I am supporting The Man in the biggest sense, and feeding the demon that keeps me sick. I am allowing a culture of consumption to dominate me, other animals, and to exploit other humans for sub-par wages, dangerous conditions, and dehuminizing behavior. I’m a zombie.”
Thank you!
I was telling my husband tonight that I feel like the world has gone mad (referring to what is available in mass that people are calling “food”) and that I am the only one (or one of the few) who sees this madness. I mean, what is everyone thinking???? After staring at me for a few minutes, and I couldn’t tell what he was thinking, he said, “Welcome.”
We laughed.
But it makes me sad and pissed off.
I feel the same way and my boyfriend responds the same way. >.<
Dud y’all catch this? http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/03/13/the-human-cost-of-animal-suffering/
How horrible does this have to get before people will wake up?
Thanks Wendy, great article.. I read NYT, but did not see this.
Wow, fantastic article, very thought-provoking – thanks Jennifer and Gena!
My yoga practice helped me learn how to treat myself with compassion and non-violence. I was transitioning to veganism at the same time I was cultivating a dedicated daily yoga practice, and I began to wake up to my life’s path of living compassion for *all* living creatures – and that has to include myself 🙂
I won’t say I am “healed” or “better” or that I was “broken” before – I think I was looking in the wrong places, and a combination of veganism and yoga opened my eyes and expanded my life and perspectives such that I am now able to think, live and practice from a place of expanded awareness.
Well, I’m trying 🙂 Progression, not perfection, right? 🙂
Of course!! That’s the only way to approach it. Yoga has also done wonders for my awareness of self and of others. xo