Lately I feel as if most of my Sunday reflections are inspired by, or a paraphrase of something that someone else has told me. I’m short on words lately, so I’m more than happy to take inspiration from others.
Last Sunday, I wrote about a case of the Sunday Scaries and the good advice that I got in response to it. I’m not quite in the throes of the Scaries right now, but my anxiety has been pretty bad this week. It’s been heightened for the last month, but I can safely call this a crest.
I don’t always have much luck understanding the timing of my anxiety, why it comes and goes when it does. I think there’s probably a trigger most of the time, but whether it’s subconscious or something I’m aware of varies a lot. And sometimes it really does seem to descend like stormy weather, unannounced and random.
I know the trigger right now, or at least one of them: it’s overwhelm. Specifically, it’s feeling as though these last four weeks of my internship are some of the most demanding I’ve had, and also feeling as though I don’t have anything left to give them. I’m so tired and turned inward lately. I know better than to isolate completely when I’m having a hard time, but right now isolation feels less like a conscious choice than a necessary means of coping. I don’t have any energy to turn outward. The energy I have needs to go to my internship, my DI class, my work, and to my mom (she’s got another knee replacement coming up in a week).
On Wednesday of this week, I felt the way I do when anxiety is at its worst: crippled. So overwhelmed that small, inconsequential things like commuting or finishing up a school assignment felt insurmountable. Even my memory and attention span were affected; I made a lot of stupid mistakes that day, misplaced some things and forgot about others. And the rest of the week hasn’t been much better. I know I’m not doing my best work right now, and while nothing life-or-death hangs in the balance, it’s not a great time to for me to peter out.
I hate this cycle. No matter how many times I tell myself that it’s just anxiety and it’s all temporary, the experience leaves me feeling incapable and ashamed. If any friend of mine reported the same thoughts and feelings to me, I’d fling my arms around her and say that we all feel like this sometimes; that it’s OK and she’s OK. But I don’t know how to do this for myself, least of all when there are so many little deadlines that I’m terrified of missing, or tasks that I’m afraid of messing up.
Instead of a failed attempt at comforting self-talk, I’m going to do something wiser, which is to turn to the understanding and insight of people around me. Last Sunday, a reader emailed me with her advice for coping with the Sunday Scaries. She said,
At one point in my life when the Sunday Scaries hit me I found that if I looked at each step of the day and asked myself, “Does this feel scary?” it helped. And I would look at EACH little step: Stepping outside of the house – “Does this feel scary?” No. Walking to the bus stop – “Does this feel scary?” No. Riding the bus – “Does this feel scary?” No. Walking to work – “Does this feel scary?” No. Seeing my new co-workers – “Does this feel scary?” No. And on like this through the whole day. This helped me tremendously, and showed me that I wasn’t fearing each little component and the big picture was only made up of all the little components.
These words rang so true. I’ve attempted versions of this kind of piecemeal, slowed-down approach in the past, but nothing quite so deliberate. I can’t imagine a better way to ride the anxiety wave out.
I had a lot on my plate today, including a lengthy event. When I woke up and tried to think about the day as a whole, I could feel the familiar, low-grade panic setting in. I did exactly what my reader invited me to do: I took each step of my day—sometimes literally—one-by-one. It carried me through. It reminded me that things are very rarely as scary as I imagine them to be, that overwhelm can be combatted by separating the whole into pieces.
I’m feeling especially complain-y lately here on the blog, but I’m trying not to let that become another, needless source of shame. Instead, I’ll just say thank you—all of you—for so often giving me the tools I need to live with more gentleness and grace. Happy Sunday.
Jackie does vegan comfort food better than anyone, and I wish I had a plate of her vegan chicken + biscuits right about now!
A beautiful plant-based spin on Greek salad.
Such a lovely vegan udon noodle soup (that perfectly halved bok choy!).
At my last rotation, the cafeteria had a buffalo tofu that I fell in love with (I actually brought some home on my last day and froze it). Allie’s buffalo chickpea burgers are now calling my name!
Finally, for dessert, feeling all the feels for Abby’s deep dish peanut butter cookie.
2. I’ll savor pasta at any time of year, but somehow it’s connected in my mind to summertime. Food52 rounds up 38 favorite vegetarian pastas, a great many of which are super easy to veganize.
3. Found this quotation via Cup of Jo, but I’d seen it before. I loved it then, and I love it now.
4. A fascinating essay on interoception (the study of the body from within), which I’ll need to re-read before I can say anything insightful about it. But I’m one of many people who is hearing that term more frequently lately, and I’m curious to understand it and its implications better.
5. Today was a good day for me to read about interconnectedness and the power of wishing each other well.
I wish you all well. And in spite of a rocky couple weeks, I’ve managed to come up with a sweet new make-ahead breakfast that I’m dying to share with you tomorrow 🙂