I had a chat this week with someone who studies the sensation of difference, or otherness.
He described a cohort of people who don’t assimilate into their peer groups seamlessly at the stage of early development when such integration is to be expected.
According to him, feeling like an outsider is a way of being that can work for and against people.
On the one hand, perceived otherness might create shame or secrecy. It might cause people to hide their true selves, to obfuscate or isolate.
On the other hand, an outsider’s perspective can foster creative self-expression and unconventional thinking. Feeling ill-at-ease in groups might come with the tradeoff of deep capacity for one-on-one connection.
The conversation got me thinking about my own connection with differentness, or otherness.
I think I probably fit the description of someone who always felt a little on the outside of groups when I was growing up. Like many kids who have this feeling, I found self-recognition and understanding through books.
Later on, whatever feeling of otherness that I’d carried with me from early childhood became entangled with the false sense of specialness that is so often a hallmark of eating disorders.
The otherness of anorexia was a double-edged sword. On the one hand, my ego attached itself to a sense of exceptionalism through restriction. I needed less than other people, or so I told myself. My diet was more pure, more correct. I took pride in eating differently and with more restraint.
On the other hand, there was all of the shame that comes along with secrecy. I was mostly in denial about how sick I was, but a part of me knew, and this created deep unease.
Apart from my eating disorder, there are ways in the sensation of differentness strengthened me in young adulthood.
One of the things that I most admire about my younger self is how brave she was. I was a risk taker, and I wasn’t afraid of what other people thought.
As the years go by, I find myself relating differently to feeling like an outsider.
Today, my sense of being on the outside is more circumstantial than sensate. I’m more social and less isolated than I used to be, more at ease in expressing myself authentically.
At the same time, my life looks different from the lives of many of my loved ones. In spite of strong connections, I’m more on my own than I ever expected to be.
As a result, I sometimes resent feeling, and being, different. I crave belonging and conformity in ways that I didn’t when I was growing up.
The question now is whether I can respect the ways in which I’m unusual while also honoring the ways in which I desire to belong.
Late this week, a client noted in session that each of us truly is special.
Not superior. Not other.
Special. One of a kind.
My client is right. And the reminder made me think about the many times in the past few years when my mom has encouraged me—sometimes even implored me—to embrace my life, with all of its similarities and differences.
I wish you a week of holding the truth of your own uniqueness while also feeling at home in the world.
Happy Sunday, friends. Here are some recipes and reads.
Recipes
1. A unusual and delicious-looking, creamy sweet potato salad.
2. Perfectly round, deep brown vegan pretzel buns.
3. A fresh, summery pasta salad that you could easily make with my cashew parmesan cheese.
4. Love the looks of these stuffed baby eggplants.
5. Easy, no-bake fruit bark clusters for summertime snacking.
Reads
1. A really smart approach to entertaining.
2. A look behind the scenes into the emotions depicted in Inside Out 2 (which I have yet to see!).
3. I did a little bit of my clinical training in long-term care, and I learned how powerfully food can serve as a source of continuity in the face of dementia. This article gives a window into food as a conduit of memory.
4. Increasingly, we’re coming to understand that gastrointestinal disturbance is not only a common symptom, but sometimes the only symptom, of Covid-19 infection.
5. Scientists have discovered a new hormone, unique to lactation, which helps to protect the bone matrix.
If you’re feeling the summer heat as much as I am, then I hope you find ways to stay cool this week!
Till soon,
xo
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Thanks for the article about a new hormone which improves bone mineralization. I´m post menopausal and have osteoporosis so this is very exciting discovery. I hope it will lead to more promising treatment for osteoporosis.