This week, I scrolled past an Instagram post that really touched me.
The post shows before and after kitchen photos. In the first photo, the kitchen is covered in dirty dishes. In the second, the dishes have been cleaned and put away. The caption reads,
It made me want to cry. I think most people who have depression can relate to the insurmountable difficulty of completing normal, everyday tasks, dish-washing included. But the accumulated mess and disarray of a depressive episode doesn’t always get much attention.
I shared the post in my stories and was moved to tears once again when a reader messaged me to affirm its truth. She said that the post was totally relatable. She went on to share,
For me, clutter and languishing household chores are one of the most shameful parts of depression.
A few months back, I’d been busy with a lot of cooking and photography. In the middle of that, a short but intense depressive spell hit me, and I didn’t get around to putting away my camera setup or washing a bunch of my dishes.
Around that same time, a friend and I were supposed to meet up for lunch. Thanks to a miscommunication, she came over to my apartment to pick me up, rather than meeting me where we said we’d go to eat.
I was on my way out of the episode at that point, which is why I was well enough to keep our plans. But my apartment was still a mess.
When my friend showed up, I was so embarrassed that I couldn’t bring myself to let her in; I asked her to wait outside. And I never really found the language to tell her the reason for my flustered, panicky reaction to her unexpected visit.
For many of us, perhaps especially those of us with histories of perfectionism and workaholism, the incapacitation of depression can feel worse than the despair. The fact that my home space was once so consistently—even aggressively—neat and tidy makes my shame about messiness and dirtiness even worse.
I wrote back to the reader who commented about her sister’s pitching in with household chores. I admitted that I can’t imagine ever asking for that kind of help, not even from someone whom I love and trust.
She said she understood, of course. The shame is terrible, she said. So is the exhaustion.
This is a tough topic to write about, but I wanted to mention the exchange today because it was so beautiful in its vulnerability. There’s nothing I’m not willing to share when it comes to my eating disorder history, but a lot of my struggle with depression remains cloaked in shame.
The post that I shared and the DMs I got in response reminded me that there’s healing to experience in putting the struggle into words, in having another person witness and validate all of it.
Another reader messaged me about the same IG story. She said,
I let her know that it wasn’t my sink but that it could easily be, when I’m depressed. I told her I understood completely and thanked her for sharing.
These moments remind me of why I started blogging in the first place. To quote the great bell hooks, who passed away this past week,
Amen.
Happy Sunday, everyone. Here are some recipes and reads.
A beautiful citrus, avocado, and date salad—so perfect for winter.
Love the looks of these Sicilian-inspired Brussels sprouts with pine nuts, raisins, and red chili flakes.
Can’t wait to make this broccoli rabe grilled cheese.
Wholesome, cozy barley risotto with squash and chermoula.
What pretty sugar cookies. And they’re gluten-free, with a vegan option.
1. David Ramsey’s tribute to Fontella Bass and her famous song, “Rescue Me,” gives the reader a wonderful glimpse into Bass’ life and legacy. But it’s also a meditation on the power of celebrated songs and the experience of hearing them, whether for the first time or the five hundredth, together:
2. Elizabeth Kolbert, who has written extensively on climate change, reports on the scientists who are tinkering with photosynthesis in the hopes of preventing a global food crisis.
3. A powerful New York Times op-ed from Ezra Klein on our treatment of farm animals, which he calls the “defining moral failing of our age.” Klein spotlights organizations that are working to help.
4. I loved Ted Scheinman’s essay on reading Petronius’ Satyricon and Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby during the pandemic. It’s a sweet, hopeful reflection on the consolations of great literature during tragic and tumultuous times. Scheinman’s closing graf feels so timely:
5. I’ve read a number of tributes to bell hooks this week that stayed with me. This one, by Barbara Ransby, was one of my favorites. She writes,
There’s the power of vulnerability and transparency, again.
Again and always.
Till soon,
xo
I’ve been feeling pretty connected in the last year or so, and especially in the last few weeks. So it came as a surprise to me when I was hit by a sudden and intense wave of loneliness late last weekend. With the loneliness came fear of more loneliness. Just as I was starting to spiral a bit, I came across a line of poetry by Ocean Vuong: The most beautiful part of your body is where it’s headed. & remember, loneliness is…
Happy Labor Day, to those who are resting or taking the day off, and happy September no matter what you’re up to. September! I’m feeling so mixed about it. There’s nothing like summer, and of all the seasons I think it passes most quickly. Beyond that, I’ve been having a very cozy August. Hunkering down at home is usually a winter activity for me, but it’s what I needed this month. It turns out that summer retreat is lovely in its own way….
Last Saturday, my yoga teachers arranged to have David Swenson talk to our community about teaching and practicing yoga. He had many encouraging, insightful things to tell us. One of his responses during the Q&A part of the class really stuck with me. A member of our community shared that she had twin boys over the summer. Since then, it’s been hard to reconnect with her practice for obvious reasons: the demands of caring for two infants that had been in the NICU…
Happy Sunday, all. It’s a cold and rainy day here in Northampton, MA, where I’m currently visiting for the weekend. I hope you all took some time to read Claire’s moving green recovery post from Friday. Once you’re finished with that, you can get immersed in the following recipes and reads. This cauliflower salad with chickpeas, kale, cumin, lemon, and toasted buckwheat is so full of textural contrast! Love it. I want to drink a vat of this kale and potato soup…
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Thank you for this, Gena. These exchanges were indeed so brave and touching and I’m honored you would share them here. They are the best kind of Christmas gift, said the person with a mostly perpetually messy house–or cozy cluttered. 🙂 Also, I had to go listen to Rescue Me–and move. Love you